Read our article to find out how you can support your child "Encourage your child to try to appear confident - even if they don’t feel it," says Sue Atkins, former deputy head and parenting coach. Body language and tone of voice speak volumes so using a timid voice and cowering as you enter a room is similar to acting like a tourist in a tourist area - you may as well have a target painted on your back.
Come up with some practical strategies for your child (see below). Sometimes people say nasty things because they want a certain reaction or to cause upset, so if your child gives them the impression they’re not bothered, the bullies are more likely to stop. Role-play bullying scenarios and practice your child’s responses. Talk about how our voices, bodies and faces send messages just the same way our words do.
Don’t let the bullying dominate their life. Help your child develop new skills in a new area, says Rob Parsons, international speaker on family life and author of Teenagers! What Every Parent Has to Know (Hodder & Stoughton, £7.99). This might mean encouraging them to join a club or activity like drama or self-defence.
This builds confidence, helps keep the problem in perspective and offers a chance to make new friends. Ease up on pressure in other less-important areas like nagging about an untidy bedroom and make sure there are ‘good’ times outside school.
DEALING WITH YOUR FEELINGS
"You may feel anger, hurt, guilt, helplessness or fear," explains Sue Atkins. "Your own memories of being a child may help you empathise and find solutions but they can also get in the way. Think about how you feel before reacting – or you may not be able to help as much as you want."
Be honest, advises Lyndall Horton-James, "Be prepared to admit that you don’t know something and offer to help find an answer by searching the internet, calling a helpline, asking their school or by visiting the library together.
"Doing everyday tasks together provides ideal opportunities to chat casually about bullying," says Lyndall. "But don’t expect a once-only message to stick: Research shows that around 40% of children, whose parents had talked to them about bullying, couldn’t recall what their parents had said."
Don’t be upset if your child wants to talk to other adults and friends about the problem. You, also, may find it helpful to discuss the matter confidentially with your friends – though preferably not with those whose children go to the same school.
GETTING SUPPORT FROM THE SCHOOL
All schools are legally required to have an anti-bullying policy. Many also offer different forms of peer support where certain children are trained in active listening or mediation skills to help bullied children. In secondary schools they may be called peer mentors, supporters, counsellors, listeners or mediators while in primary schools, they might be called friendship or playground buddies, playtime pals or peacemakers.
Lyndall Horton-James, Bullying Prevention and Education Consultant offers the following tips:
Before you approach the school, list all the facts: what happened, who was involved, when it occurred, who witnessed it, anything your child did that may have provoked the incident, whether it was a one-off or series of events.
Don’t arrive at the school unexpectedly: Make an appointment with the class teacher or head of year.
Aim to work together with the school and make it clear that you are seeking the school's help in finding a solution.
Avoid accusing the school: Remember that teachers are usually the last to find out that bullying is happening at school. The sequence is "friends first, then parents, lastly schools".
Be patient: Allow the school time to deal with the problem but stay in touch with them and arrange a follow up meeting to see how the situation is being resolved.
IF THINGS DON'T IMPROVE?
Keep a bullying diary
Write down every incident as soon as possible after it happens.
Include:
- Date
- What happened
- Who did it?
- Who saw it?
- How did it affect your child at the time?
- Did you child tell anyone at school: what exactly did the person say or do and what effect did it have?
- Were there any later effects?
- Do you now have any new worries?
Tell the school each time. Write down what they say or do and any effect their actions have.
If your child is hurt, take photographs and see your doctor (and the police if the assault is serious).
Schools have a variety of options for dealing with bullying. These range from a warning, seeing the bully’s parents and detention to internal exclusion within the school, fixed term exclusion and permanent exclusion.
If you’re not satisfied with the school’s response, don’t give up or be made to feel like a timewaster or a troublemaker. The Advisory Centre for Education (ACE) offers step-by-step advice on how to deal with the school, from how to write a letter to your options if you need to take things further. Their advice line is 0808 800 5793 or text ASKACE to 68808. Bullying UK also have template letter you can use to write to the Head, Governors, Education Dept and Ofsted.
Remember, unless you are home teaching, you face prosecution if you take your child out of school. If your child is too frightened or stressed to go, contact the LEA education welfare officer/social worker and ask them to intervene with the school.