Is my child a bully?

Around 16 children in the UK kill themselves every year due to distress over bullying. Their schools often say they had no idea what was going on. But the bullies know exactly what they've been doing - and so do their friends. It's too late to have regrets when someone has died, or been made so ill they need medical treatment.

This section provides help for parents who are worried that their child is a bully.

You're a bully if you do any of these things to someone else

You call them names You make up stories to get them into trouble You take their friends away leaving them on their own You hit them, kick them, trip them up or push them around You make remarks about their looks or weight You don't choose them to be your partner in class You tell them you're busy and then go off to enjoy yourself with other people You damage their property You make jokes about them when you can see they're upset You indulge in horseplay when you know they are not enjoying it You're going along with the crowd who are doing any of these things

You tell other people not to be friends with them You take their friends away leaving them on their own You tell other people not to be friends with them You make remarks about their culture, religion or colour You make remarks about their disability or medical condition You leave them out when you're choosing a games team You take away their possessions or demand money from them You hide their books or bag You send them nasty text messages or make silent calls on their phone You make threats about nasty things that will happen to them You make remarks about them liking other boys or other girls. This is homophobia.

Your first reaction might be disbelief that your well-behaved son or daughter is being accused of bullying. You can expect them to deny it.

But before you dismiss the thought out of hand, listen to what the school has to say about it. Parents rarely complain to a school at the outset of bullying, there's usually been a history of unhappiness. Sometimes the target has had to take time off school through fear and may be suffering such distress that they need to see a doctor.

You need to take what the school says seriously and work with staff on a solution. There are times when people are unjustly accused of being bullies but a thorough investigation should reveal this.

SanctionsSanctions against your child could include a warning, detention, temporary or permanent exclusion (expulsion). A violent, one-off incident harming another pupil could be grounds for expulsion.

If an incident involves violence, text phone abuse or demands for money then the victim and their parents should, and probably will, make a complaint to the police if the bully is over the age of criminal responsibility which is 10 in England and Wales.

You might find it helpful to ask for a copy of the school bullying policy so that you can go through it with your child.

Contact us on help@bullying.co.uk if you need more help.

Other pages in this sectionBullying policies / Role of the DCSF / Is my child being bullied? / School bus bullies
Practical help with racism / Dealing with racism / How does bullying make a child feel? / Dealing with a younger bully
Adults' survey results / Teachers' survey results / Contacting the school / Access to pupil records
Contacting the Governors and LEAa / Is my child a bully? / Who can help on racism / Parents' problem page
If your child is bullying others / Do you share blame? / Dealing with an older bully / Teacher bullying
Home schooling / Bullying in sport / Parents' panel - Have your say / Parents' survey results
Moving your child to a new school / Pupils' survey results / Taking legal action / Bullying outside school
Independent and private schools / Model letters to help your complaint / National Bullying Survey 2006